Hear My Prayer

Today is Blue Monday, and I’m back from a fun weekend with my daughter. I can’t seem to stem the tide of tears or remove the powerful clenching grip on my heart. The lump in my throat can’t be swallowed, and the mental film roll is in playback mode.

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I’m swimming as fast as I can, Lord, swimming with the current this time and racing freestyle towards joy. Hurtling downstream, not tilting at windmills on the banks of life. Going with the flow towards the moment when my life will change again, and again, and again, in very short order.

I’m losing my twin sons to college and gaining young men who will walk their own paths, each singing a different tune. They’ve been together since before birth, one kicking my heart with his underwater somersaults, one rocking my innards with gentle stretches. They are parting ways for the first time in their lives, as brothers, friends, adversaries, as fambly forever bound together. Beautiful boys who grew up knowing security, happiness, and rending sorrow. Who grew up stronger and wiser for it, whose eyes dance with laughter now but can still penetrate with daggers. Whose biting criticisms have wounded me to the core. Whose toothy smiles and wild laughter will be enshrined in my heart forever. I will miss those hungry boys in my everyday life, and their cries of, “what’s for dinner tonight?”

My daughter, too, will start a new chapter in her life, beginning as a beautiful bride, heart full of love, eyes bright with promise. That very same firstborn baby who came into this world one unexpected night when I thought I had indigestion, who spurred a wild ride to the hospital in a sports car that almost became a delivery room. Who made the nurses gasp with shock, made her daddy make a shambles of the tidy racks of scrubs he looted for his new daddy outfit, the one that would give him admittance to the delivery room. The baby girl who inspired love songs in my heart and midnight rockings, and heart-bursting pride watching her grow up. Who weathered storms of the soul and came out lovelier for it. She was mine once, for just a minute of motherly pride and passion, and now she begins her own signature path towards marriage and motherhood.

Thank goodness their brother will visit soon and witness these developments and put his funny grin and spin on it. And I can’t wait to see him wear a tux, say something poetic at the reception, rap us on the head with his philosopher’s stone, play his guitar and pluck my heartstrings till they nearly rupture with emotion.

The current is speeding up, Lord, and soon a threshold will be crossed. I have no choice but to be ready, and ready I’ll be, with smiles and jokes and laughter; and with hugs and tearful goodbyes and fervent pleas to please call. It’s the getting there that’s breaking me up, the missing hand to hold, the hug to comfort, the eyes to lock with mine and fill with tears, too. I will miss the peace to share, the winding road to walk together into the twilight of our lives.

I will remind myself to treasure the goodness of these days and the life I’ve been given. I will love my children forever. And I will make my own way with love, regardless whether love finds me. Bless us and keep us, Lord. Hear my prayer.