Thresholds

Just when you think you're doing pretty well and you're congratulating yourself on overcoming some habits and behaviors which didn't add to the quality of your life, karma has a way of delivering a sting operation.

I spent more than a week at my daughter's house in my new role as grandmother.  Well, actually, most of the first couple of days were spent at the hospital; but after the triumphant homecoming, I diligently went to work in my supporting role.  I grocery shopped, cooked, cleaned, did dishes and laundry, even worked in the yard in between sitting with my new grandson so that his parents could get some much-needed rest.  I gave motherly advice, encouraged both new parents with lots of smiles and hugs and reassurances about how things were going to get better as the baby grows and his schedule shifts to something more normal.  I was really on Cloud 9 for my daughter and her husband, and I thought I was filling out my new role in the most emotionally generous way.

One day my daughter was worried about money and how their life would have to accommodate to this new situation, now that they were a family.  I very lightly said, "Well, it should help that I got the groceries, and that's $80 that you don't have to be concerned about."  What I expected was a grateful "Thank you, Mom!  That really helps."  What I got was "Well, we don't have any money, and we don't get paid until tomorrow."  This was accompanied by her indignant exit from the room.

I swallowed hard and told myself that it was nothing to get hurt feelings over.  I reasoned that both new parents were under new kinds of stress and that it would be silly to expect them to be nice all the time.  I scolded myself for feeling the sting and told myself to forget it.  During the next couple of days, though, I didn't totally get over it.  My college-age sons came for a short visit, and one of them made a remark that cut deep.  It was about how I was turning into the typical grumpy grandma.  Of course I denied it, and I made a comment in front of everyone about how I didn't care how hard I worked; that everything I did was out of love and a genuine desire to be helpful.  But I also said that it would be nice to be appreciated.  I think my daughter looked astounded, and she seemed incredulous.  No drama came of this; the subject just got quietly tucked away.

I was surprised at how quickly things caved in on me.  Looking back, though, I shouldn't have been surprised; my children have always been my harshest critics.  All of us found ourselves in new circumstances, in new roles.  I was making a valiant effort to be everything to everyone; I may even have tried to prove that I could be a better grandmother than I was as a mother.  I know that my children had their disappointments (that's putting it mildly) with me, but I felt that I had been "good" for over 5 years.  I had zeroed in on their welfare and had given myself ample time to get over some relationship issues.  I had come a long way since the divorce.  Couldn't they see that?  Couldn't they support me and let me know that they valued the changes I had made?  How dare they compare me to THEIR grandma?

It's been several weeks since this incident, and I haven't forgotten about it.  I have had a chance, though, to put it in perspective and to let it go with a "c'est la vie" attitude.  It's the very nature of families to force rebellion and/or personal growth.  We each bring to the table of relationships our strengths, weaknesses, and foolish expectations.  We're all human.  Sometimes we're strong.  Sometimes we're vulnerable.  Sometimes we just want a little extra attention and recognition for our efforts.  It's only natural.  With or without the gold stars, though, I count it a blessing to have been schooled by my children.

On my way back from this trip, I looked for a house that had caught my eye many times on the drive home.  That day I stopped, and I took these pictures, because I had to.  This house has always spoken to me.

Everything we build up to big proportions is only temporary.  The slings and arrows we encounter in life are nothing to make a big deal about.  We should always trend in the direction of love and kindness and forgiveness toward others and especially toward ourselves.  Life is so very fragile and short, and our time here in this Earth School is wasted fussing and fighting and worrying about how we coulda, woulda, shoulda.

Our house will be deserted soon enough, and no one will remember the stories.  Laugh every day.  Dance until the cows come home.  Go places and do things.  Banish doubt.  Propose joy.  

Or as Rambo said, "Live for nothin', or die for somethin'!"

P.S.  Before I left for home, I got a beautiful thank you card from my daughter and her husband.  All was always well.  I just didn't know it at the time.

Grandson's Homecoming

This is Jeh chillin' out at the hospital on the day before he got to go home.  :)

I'm taking a shine to my new role as grandmother!

Jeh came home yesterday when he was two days old.  He opened his eyes and looked around when he had a visit from his cousin, who was born on Mother's Day!  The babies are only 25 days apart.  They seemed to have an awareness of each other.  One of the aunts dubbed them The Beastie Boys!  

Look out world, trouble's a-coming!

First Grandbaby!!!

My grandson (I will call him Jeh for his initials) was born June 3 at 7:40 pm, and he shares his birthday with his other grandmother as well as the daughter of one of my best friends from college!  He weighed 5 pounds 12 ounces and is 18 inches long. I was there to watch his birth, and it was miraculous and joyful.  There really are no adequate words to describe the feeling of watching your child have a baby.  I will say that I got the best group hugs ever from my daughter, her husband, and Jeh's other grandmother!

Six minutes after he was born :)

Footprints in the Bible

In the Level II NICU, he's hanging onto his dad's and his grandmother's fingers!

He's got a grip on my finger :)

About 5 hours after he was born

In the last picture Jeh looks exactly like my daughter did when she was born.  He had some breathing issues because he arrived a month early, so he had to spend some time being evaluated in the Level II nursery.  His pediatrician (my daughter's childhood friend) examined him last night and said he was doing well.  I was told I couldn't take a camera into the nursery, so I was happy I could capture these moments with my iPhone camera.  

In fact, technology served the whole birthing process well.  The face of modern labor and delivery is not compromised with pain; my daughter was keeping up with calls, texts, and Facebook during labor, and she even managed to snooze a little!  :)  Her blood pressure is back to normal, and I'm sure she looks forward to shedding all the water weight she gained.  She went for 32 hours without food, so she really enjoyed the Coke, candy, and sandwich after she delivered!  

Today will be fun; there will be more visitors and more hugs!  Looking forward to getting the first report from my daughter about how Jeh did during the night.  :)

Generations of Love

I'm awaiting the birth of my first grandchild! He's due to make an appearance before the end of June.  On Memorial Day he weighed about 5 pounds 10 ounces according to the ultrasound measurements!  My daughter is now home on bed rest.  She's been having edema plus some problems with her blood pressure and kidney function.  I had the same condition (pre-eclampsia) with all my pregnancies, so I can really relate to her discomfort.  The good news is that it won't last much longer, and she has wonderful medical care.

As a special gift, I refinished my daughter's 30-year old Jenny Lind crib (which was also used by her brothers).  Here's what it looked like, replete with bite marks.

I spent most of one weekend sanding with 180 grit paper and a sanding sponge.  I feathered out all the bite marks and scratches and lightly sanded the entire crib so the paint would adhere well.  It was quite an undertaking because of all the turned spindles!

It's funny how you never notice things like blobs of varnish and dried drips and runs until you actually go over the entire surface.  I've learned by experience that surface preparation is the key to getting a good paint job, so I persisted with getting the surface really smooth.  I had to seal the areas that were sanded down to bare wood.  Here's my painting station in the back yard.

I used a total of 6 cans of spray paint, and buffed between the first and second coats with a piece of white cotton T-shirt.  After several days to let the paint cure, I finished with a final buffing.  The result was just lovely.  The color that my daughter selected is espresso brown in a satin gloss.  I do believe that the finish is even better than the original finish!  I also cleaned up all the metal parts so that they were like new.  Here's a closeup of the finished paint job.

A couple of weeks ago, I delivered the crib to my daughter's house and assembled it for them.  She and her husband were just thrilled that it turned out so nice, and they got a big kick out of the original paperwork that I had saved.  The parts list and assembly instructions were dated February 15, 1980!  Here's what the crib looked like in the baby's room.

A few days ago my daughter sent me some photos of the bed all made up in the new bedding.  She's really happy with it, and I think she did a super job of putting together the nursery!

Finally, here's the real reason I wanted to pass down the crib to my grandson.  :)

My daughter in the crib, 1980.

My oldest son in the crib, 1987.

My twin sons in the crib, 1991.

This baby crib comes with generations of love!  I'm ready to pay it forward!  ♥♥♥♥

Spring Break in Berkeley!

Even though it's been more than a month since I've been back from my trip to the Bay Area, it hasn't gotten any easier to sort through more than 450 photos to pick some to post!  I visited my son, who is an electrical engineering grad student at UC Berkeley.  He and his Russian roommate rented a small bungalow in Oakland late last year.

The first evening, we went to NightLife at the California Academy of Sciences (museum of natural history) in Golden Gate Park.  Even though it was dark and I couldn't see the plants, I could smell so many delightful fragrances as we walked through the park toward the museum.  The building is stunning and was engineered to be environmentally friendly.  It has a green roof, rainwater collection, natural lighting, and was made of many recycled materials.  The aquarium was fantastic, and it was definitely fun to tour with a drink in hand!

Shark stomach contents, haha!

I'm standing in a plexiglass dome under a reef display.

The next morning we went to campus, and the weather was perfect.  Berkeley is the most beautiful college campus I've ever seen.  The buildings, scenery, and landscaping are awesome!  It's cool at night but it never freezes, so it's a plant-lover's paradise!  Fragrances really carry in the cool, moist air, and they add so much to the whole experience of being there.  Lunch was wonderful Indian food and chai tea on the Beau Sky Hotel terrace; then we stopped in some shops along Telegraph Avenue.  We also went to the Berkeley Bowl for some food and drink, and had a nice cookout in the back yard.

My son in his office designing electrical circuits

London plane trees on the plaza near the Campanile

So many tulips!

The Campanile and Cal Bears!

Colorful stucco wall with plates on Telegraph Ave.

Blooming aloes as street plantings on campus!

Endless beer aisle at the Berkeley Bowl  :)

Backyard succulents 

The next day we went to the Napa Valley and toured two wineries and went to the Yountville Mustard Festival.  I think it was that day that I fell in love with the whole lifestyle there.  The countryside and the towns were so idyllic.  The grapevines were just starting to grow out, and looked so neat on their trellises.  Spring flowers were in bloom everywhere.

Beringer Vineyards.  Weeping cherry and azaleas.

Rhine House at Beringer Vinyards

Cakebread Cellars

View from the tasting room at Cakebread

Wisteria arbor at Yountville

My visit would not have been complete without a trip into San Francisco.  The last time I was there, for Thanksgiving 2008, we went on a rainy day and got chilled to the bone.  This time the weather was incredible.  We walked through the Botanical Garden and the Japanese Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park, went to the Golden Gate Bridge, and ate dinner on an upstairs balcony at Boudin Bakery.  The sourdough bread and halibut were memorable.  We just had to go to the Buena Vista for Irish coffee, because two visits is the start of a tradition!  Last visit, we needed the warmth.  This time, I got the recipe.  :)

San Francisco Botanical Garden (camellias in the background)

Japanese Tea Garden

Buddhist pagoda-style gateway

Cherry blossoms!

Picture perfect day at the Golden Gate Bridge

View from the balcony at Boudin Bakery and Restaurant

Ahhh ...

The last day of the trip, I had tea and sushi at Ozumo Japanese Restaurant in Oakland.  The food was as beautiful as it was delicious, and the Japanese craftsmanship of the restaurant itself is incredible.  Later that day my son, his roommate, and I went on a hike in Redwood Regional Park.  It was late in the day and I couldn't get any good photos, but I loved what I saw, and now I know what it's like to stand in a cathedral of trees.

Temporary

My daughter and her dad, August 1980

Nothing about this past week has been easy, but it has caused me to be intensely thankful for the gift of life.  My ex-husband passed away, and though we had been divorced 28 years, I count myself blessed to have known him.  He gave me a daughter, the same daughter who got married last September and who is pregnant and due about July 1st.  Part of the grief she is experiencing is the fact that her dad will never know his grandchild.  It seems doubly tragic, as her step-sister is also pregnant.  So while I wait for my first grandchild, my ex will miss his first two grandbabies.

My ex was a college professor, a herpetologist by training, and was known as a gifted and enthusiastic teacher who spent vast amounts of time helping his students.  He was happily married, and proud to be Dad to three daughters, one of his own and two of his wife's.  My daughter sometimes said that her stepmother was a saint to put up with him.  I think he was well aware of his faults, so it was necessary to balance them with an abundance of love for his family.  My daughter was definitely a daddy's girl.  I could never compete with that and never tried.

The few people at school who knew that we were married so long ago have been kind toward me, and I've been glad for the hugs and condolences.  I never imagined how I would take the news of his death.  He had been sick with leukemia and had not been able to teach for about a year.  Hopes were high that he could get well enough for a bone marrow transplant, but he was not able to recover from the last infection he contracted.  I felt very sad, and found myself thinking back on our time together.  My grief is very real and substantial for my daughter's loss, his family's loss, and the loss of a man who was clearly loved by so many.  His family, friends, students, and long-ago former students had filled his online page with prayers while he was ill, and tributes are pouring in after his passing.  It has been a beautiful thing to get a sense of the far-reaching impact of his life all these years later.

We were married soon after I got my bachelor's degree.  We had some very happy times, but we were too young and inexperienced and ego-driven to fare well through the bad fights and horrid times.  After some counseling (I guess you could say the counselor wasn't successful), we parted amicably, and the divorce wasn't stressful, although I suspect that he didn't miss an opportunity to make fun of me.  He was good at that ... it was part of his humor, along with raunchy jokes and clever word play.  Apparently he told his students that he thought Edema would be a beautiful name for a girl.  And he told all the new students that one of the other instructors had a glass eye and not to stare.

My daughter tells me that on his deathbed, my ex spoke out to say that my son (by my second husband) should get his Ph.D.   I always thought it was so sweet that my ex and his wife would show up for my son and cheer for him at the high school football games.  If I had to pinpoint his best quality, I would say that he possessed an extraordinary capacity for loving kindness and encouragement toward others.  This he got from his family, especially his mother, whom I dearly loved.  He had to have it to balance the more temperamental aspects of his personality!  To call him a rascal would be an understatement.

My personal journey has brought me to the place where I learned that forgiveness is a great blessing that enabled me to move forward; and that others' actions toward me are not caused by me but are a reflection of their own dramas.  Long ago the relationship with my ex caused great frustration and heartache, but the lessons learned were ones that I needed.  So here I am today, remembering his life and his contributions with fondness, feeling the loss, but most of all, feeling the trickle-down effects of a life lived with passion, a temporary life that ended too soon, but a life that raised the bar for many and inspired countless others to go all out, to invest in themselves and their potential. 

  "No matter where you go, there you are."

He's turning over rocks in God's garden now.

Snow Day!

On February 23rd we had a snow day, and school closed for the afternoon!  It snowed all day, even though the temperature rose enough by afternoon to cause some melting.  The snowflakes were big and fluffy, and in places the snow was ankle deep.  I loved the crunch and squeak of the powder!  It's so beautiful to see this type of snow here.  The transformation was magical!

This picture has a fairy tale quality to me. Chiquita is busy investigating!

The wild garden doesn't look like this very often!

The back road by the wild garden

Spanish dagger

Coral honeysuckle

Texas buckeye

Redbud tree in front of the house

The mailbox garden

Red yuccas covered in snow

Agarita with flower buds

The neighbor's scarlet quince

Pansies 

Sedum palmeri the day after the snowfall